The LGEP And The Bookworm
by Bellini Girl
Summary: OK, the title sucks. But trust me, the story doesn't! Imagine if there was a government agency that policed books, and that there was someone going in and out of the books disrupting the storylines. That's basically it. It's funny though (I hope)...
1. Chapter 1

"The Famous Five knew that they were going to have an absolutely wonderful summer, with lashings of ginger ale and top-quality string," read Julianne. She loved the Famous Five, and was an avid reader of their stories. This week: 'Adventure at Craggy Cliff.' All seemed to be as usual, but...

"The summer would be extra-fun, because Julian had told them about a new local bar and they were going out boozing that very evening, before going to an illegal rave...That's not right," muttered Julianne pensively. "Since when were the Famous Five hell-raiser alcoholics?" A quick leaf through the rest of the book revealed several even more disturbing changes, and she phoned up her friend Ria for advice.

"Are you sure it's different? Maybe Enid Blyton just felt like trying out a few new ideas," said Ria reassuringly.

"But throughout the book Anne constantly makes innuendo-laden smutty jokes based upon Dick's unfortunate name," insisted Julianne desperately. "And then in Chapter 12, they meet in the clifftop cave to smoke marijuana!"

"But still..." said Ria, clutching at straws.

"They're planning on going to a local bar for a booze up!" said Julianne, her voice getting more high-pitched by the second.

"How? They're only ten!" said Ria, amazed.

"Oh, don't worry – Julian ran off some fake IDs for them on his secret pornography printing press!" shrieked Julianne hysterically.

"Ye gods," muttered Ria, shocked. "Maybe something is up after all."

"But what can we do?" asked Julianne.

"Hmmmm...maybe we should refer to the Human Dictionary," said Ria contemplatively.

"You mean Elizabeth?" said Julianne.

"Yeah, she knows everything," replied Ria. "She'll be able to tell us what's going on."

They repaired to Elizabeth's house and knocked on her front door, disturbing her reading and annoying her considerably, although she mellowed slightly upon being told of the problem.

"It sounds to me like a case of a Bookworm," she said slowly, eyeing them over the top of her glasses.

"A what?" asked Ria tiredly.

"A Bookworm. A marauding saboteur who travels through stories in the interest of observing the action first-hand, but who always – intentionally or not – ends up disrupting the narrative, sometimes irrevocably," said Elizabeth. "You must follow the Bookworm through the books, putting right his indiscretions and returning the plot to normal, before eventually catching up with him and removing him from literature."

"Sounds complicated," whined Julianne.

"And don't forget, there could be more than one," pointed out Elizabeth. "Although they are rather rare, it has to be said."

"So how do we get into the books in the first place?" asked Ria.

"You use a portal," said Elizabeth simply.

"Of course! Why didn't we think of that?" said Ria sarcastically.

"Which we can get where?" asked Julianne.

"Why don't we try ebay?" suggested Ria. "I bought a motorised garden vacuum cleaner from there only last week!"

"Why?" asked Julianne.

"It was reduced, because it didn't have the motor any more," replied Ria. "But ebay has everything!"

"Including motorless motorised garden vacuum cleaners, it would

seem," said Julianne.

"Well, what else could we try?" asked Ria irritably.

"Way ahead of you," said Elizabeth, pulling out a large ring of keys. "As luck would have it, I happened to pick one up at a boot fair recently!" She pulled open the cupboard doors she had just unlocked to reveal a shimmering archway inside. A small plasma screen at the top revealed the destination, and currently read 'Pride and Prejudice: Mr Darcy in the bath scene.'

"And why were you in Pride and Prejudice, Elizabeth?" asked Ria innocently. "What could be your possible interest in observing that particular scene?"

"Ummm...it must be broken," blushed Elizabeth, resetting the screen to read 'The Famous Five Adventure At Craggy Cliff". "Now, when did you first notice something was awry?"

"In Chapter 2, when Julian had told them about a new local bar and given them the new fake IDs, as well as several counterfeit copies of Penthouse," said Julianne.

"OK," said Elizabeth, keying the relevant information in. "Right...there we go," she said as the information flashed up on the screen.

"Ready to go!"

"How long is this going to take?" asked Julianne.

"Don't know. Anything from an hour..."

"That's not so bad," said Ria.

"...To an eternity," concluded Elizabeth.

"Heavy," muttered Julianne.

"So perhaps we should pack some food," suggested Ria.

"Good idea," said Elizabeth, bustling off into the kitchen and returning a couple of minutes later with a fully stocked picnic hamper.

"Whoa Elizabeth, how much have you got there?" asked Ria incredulously.

"Just enough to last for a week or two at a stretch," replied Elizabeth, chucking it through the portal. It shimmered in mid-air for a second before vanishing. "There we go. Come on!" said Elizabeth impatiently, jumping through the portal after it. Ria and Julianne looked at each other with not a little trepidation, before stepping through the portal after her.


	2. Chapter 2

They stepped out into a town square, opposite a small, seedy bar. Elizabeth was peering through the keyhole and looking shocked, and she gestured for them to come over.

"What the hell..." muttered Julianne, peering in to see a darkened, seedy bar, with a packed and heaving dance floor situated in front

of a grimy bar. George, Julian and Dick were downing tequila shots beneath a sign that read 'Guys: No shirt, no service, Girls: No shirt, no charge', while Anne was dancing provocatively on top of a nearby table.

"Looks like we got here just in time," said Ria grimly, rolling up her sleeves and preparing to enter this den of vice.

"Whoa! Wait just one second," said a tall dark-haired man, appearing suddenly in front of the town sundial and striding over.

"Do you think you can just waltz into a Bookworm-induced O.O.C. Zone and put it right just like that?"

"I'm sorry, you are?" asked Julianne crossly.

"Peter Casablancas, MI7," said the man coolly, before attempting to flip open his badge in a sophisticated, Mulder-esque way, but succeeding only in throwing it at Ria's feet. She gave him a condescending look.

"I'm sorry," he muttered, looking at his feet in an embarrassed way.

"MI7? There's no MI7," said Julianne sceptically.

"Yes there is. MI7, or the L.G.E.P., deal with literary infringements such as this one, and you are on my turf. This is my O.O.C. situation," he replied, looking back at her evenly.

"L.G.E.P.? O.O.C.?" said Ria. "Will you quit it with the goddam acronyms!"

"O.O.C. stands for Out Of Characterness. L.G.E.P. stands for Literata Glitterata Extraordinata Police," he explained.

"That's quite a mouthful," said Elizabeth.

"Yeah, that's why we call it L.G.E.P.," said Peter, bending down and scooping up his badge. "That's the last time we leave the work-experience kid alone in the office on re-branding day, I can tell you."

"Well, nice to meet you, Mr Casablancas," said Julianne calmly.

"Likewise," replied Peter.

"So, what exactly do you suggest we do?" asked Ria. "Seeing as we can't, you know, just waltz in, as you say."

"First, the Bookworm will be long gone by now," said Peter. "They normally don't hang around. They wreak their havoc and leave within the space of a couple of hours, giving a relatively small timescale for finding and removing them once their effects are noticed."

"How can you be sure?" said Julianne sceptically.

"The D.D.D.D. isn't showing anywhere near high enough readings to indicate the presence of a Bookworm," replied Peter.

"Did you not understand my warning about the acronyms?" said Ria threateningly.

"D.D.D.D. stands for Dramatically Dashing Data Discombobulator," said Peter.

"Discombobulator?" enquired Elizabeth with a raised eyebrow.

"Dramatically Dashing?" snorted Julianne.

"Work experience kid," explained Peter.

"So, if the Bookworm is gone, what do we do now?" asked Ria.

"Set the plot right," said Peter, rummaging around in his bag. "Ah-hah. Cover your ears."

"What?" asked Julianne, as Peter pulled out a small grenade labelled 'Plot Device Resetter' and pulled out the pin, before opening the door of the bar a crack and lobbing it in.

"I said, cover your –" began Peter, but he was interrupted by a loud boom from within the bar, which immediately imploded in on itself in a swirl of random text.

"Oooohhhh," muttered Julianne, rubbing her ears.

"Too late," said Peter, shouldering his bag. "On we go!"

"Umm...how do we move to the next book?" asked Ria. "Seeing as the portal is back in Canterbury."

"Way ahead of you," said Peter, unfolding a large map. "There's several inter-literary portals situated in this story, and they're all clearly marked on this map."

"Well, lead the way, Sherlock," said Julianne.

"All right, just let me work out the route...so that would be a right? No, left. Hmmmm...left fork...carry the one..."

"Are you all right?" asked Ria.

"Don't worry, I can do it!" said Peter indignantly. "Right, I think I've got it. This way!" The group marched off after him.


	3. Chapter 3

Several hours later, there was no sign of the promised portal as Peter re-examined the map for the hundredth time.

"How many roads must a man walk down, before he will admit he is lost?" sang Julianne.

"Shut up!" snapped Peter. "I'll work it out in a minute!"

"Hey, a signpost," said Ria.

"What does it say?" asked Peter eagerly.

"Letterham, 7 miles," replied Ria. "And it's pointing that way."

"Great! That means that it's just up here..." Peter trailed off when he saw the enormous mountain in front of them. "Oh, you've got to be kidding me. Oh man."

"Let's get climbing," muttered Julianne resignedly.

"Where are we going next?" asked Ria, puffing as she climbed up the incline.

"A nursery rhyme called 'Simple Simon'. There are signs that the Bookworm is, or has been, there," replied Peter.

"What signs?" asked Julianne inquisitively.

"Well, for one example," began Peter, "it now reads:

'Simple Simon met a Pieman

Going to a fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pieman,

"My! What have you got there?"

Said the Pieman unto Simon,

"Pies, you dickhead."'

"Ah, I see the point," conceded Julianne. "Oooohhh, is that the portal?" She pointed at a shimmering gateway set into a tree trunk at the top of the mountain.

"Yes. See, I told you I'd find it in the end!" said Peter.

"I never doubted you for a minute," said Julianne, raising her eyebrows at Ria and Elizabeth.

"I saw that," said Peter huffily, typing their destination into the portal keypad.

"Well, I didn't exactly do it subtly," said Julianne.

"Whoa! Let's not have any arguments here," said Ria, stepping between them. "Shall we get going?"

Soon after this, they were standing on a long country track surrounded by trees and fields.

"What do we do now?" asked Elizabeth.

"We wait," said Peter, sitting down on a nearby tree stump. "We can't do anything until either Simon and the Pieman or the Bookworm shows up."

"Great," muttered Julianne, sitting down beside Peter and kicking off her shoes.

"You think the Bookworm's still here?" asked Ria.

"Well, the D.D.D.D. is showing quite high levels, so either the Bookworm's here or we're getting interference from a rebellious Generical," replied Peter.

"A what?"

"A Generical is a book character, without the character. It's the basic template for making a character before the personality and individual traits are added," said Peter. "And if one starts playing about, then we're in trouble. It takes a long time and lots of paperwork to sort out any problems caused by them. Luckily, most potential troublemakers are weeded out at ," said Ria, her mind reeling.

"Shall we start on the food?" suggested Elizabeth, proffering the bulging hamper.

"Oooohh, yes!" exclaimed Ria, seizing the hamper and lifting the lid. "Wait a minute...salad? Biological yoghurt? Soya cake? What is this?"

"Food," said Elizabeth, taking a bite of soya cake.

"Not in my book," said Ria despondently, handing the hamper back to Elizabeth.

"I wonder if there's a Maccy D's around here," said Julianne hopefully. Ria gave her a look. "What?" asked Julianne indignantly. "I'm hungry, and I want to know where I could find a poor-quality cheap fast food outlet that can supply me with low-grade meat and limp fries!"

"There isn't," said Peter, not looking up from the book he was reading.

"Why are you so sure?" asked Julianne.

"Since the whole of the rhyme is situated on this section of road, this is the entire universe. This small length of road is all there is," replied Peter.

"No way!" said Julianne, pulling her shoes back on and running off into the distance. Suddenly, at the exact moment she disappeared over the horizon, she immediately reappeared at the other end of the road. "What the hell? Oh man," said Julianne, trudging back to the group.

"Gum?" asked Peter, proffering a stick of spearmint Wrigley's.

"No thanks," said Julianne despondently. "It'll just make me hungrier."

"Can you hear something?" said Ria suddenly, sitting up straight.

Everyone listened. Sure enough, the sounds of approaching voices could be heard – and they seemed to be having an argument, which continued as two men came into sight and headed towards the group.

"Don't call me a dickhead!"

"Then don't ask stupid questions. If I'm called the Pieman, what am I likely to have in my basket? Squid?"

"You could have done..."

"Well, on the balance of probabilities, what am I likely to have, considering that I have 'Pies' stamped on the back of my jacket in giant block letters?"

"Excuse me," said Peter, stepping out in front of them.

"What?" asked the Pieman irritably, pausing in the middle of administering a sound beating to Simon who, it transpired, was not called Simple for nothing.

"Peter Casablancas, L.G.E.P.," said Peter authoritatively, attempting to flip open his badge and once again only succeeding in throwing it at the feet of the Pieman. Ria picked it up wordlessly and handed it back to him.

"Have you seen a new character around here anywhere..." began Peter, anxious to save face, but Julianne barged in front with a manic look in her eyes.

"How much for the pies?" she asked desperately, rooting around in her pockets for spare change.

"Um...a penny each," said the Pieman.

"I'll take them all," gasped Julianne, shoving fistfuls of coins at him.

"What's this? Toy money?" snorted the Pieman.

"No...It's a fifty p piece," said Julianne.

"A what?" asked the Pieman.

"He uses old money," hissed Peter.

"Oh. So you don't take this sort of money?" said Julianne.

"No," said the Pieman, crossing his arms.

"Well, how about this – you give me the pies, or I'll shove your head where the sun don't shine," said Julianne threateningly.

The Pieman gulped and handed over the basket to Julianne, who immediately began wolfing them down.

"So, as I was saying," said Peter, "Have you seen any unusual characters around recently?"

"Yeah, actually. Saw a guy on a maroon motorcycle. Stood out like a sore thumb, you see, because it's usually just me and this moron," replied the Pieman, gesturing in Simon's direction. Everyone looked at Simon, expecting fireworks and retaliation, but he merely smiled placidly. Eventually, Peter decided he'd waited long enough.

"So, who was this man?" asked Peter.

"Don't know," replied the Pieman. "Cool bike, though."

"Hey...he just insulted me!" said Simon, looking shocked.

"I think the penny's finally dropped," murmured Ria.

"You don't say," said Elizabeth sarcastically.

"When did you last see this man?" asked Peter.

"About five minutes ago," replied the Pieman, throwing an empty pie case at Simon, who promptly caught it and put it on his head to wear it like a hat.

"He's probably still here," Peter whispered to Julianne, rolling his eyes at Simon. "Go and have a look through the forest, see if he's hiding in the undergrowth."

"What are you going to do?" asked Julianne.

"Set the rhyme back the way it was," replied Peter. "We can't have generations of children being traumatised by gratuitous swearing in a seemingly harmless rhyme, can we?"

"I suppose not," said Julianne grudgingly.

"Right," said Peter, rooting around in his bag and pulling out a small black enamel case, before opening it to reveal a red and a blue pill. "This is your last chance. After this there is no going back," he said, swatting away Simon who was reaching for the pills with a look of wonder on his face. "You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your own bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in Wonderland, and I show you just how deep the rabbit hole goes."

"What?" asked the Pieman.

"Oh, I'm sorry, that's for a different story," said Peter, putting the pills back in his bag. "What I really meant to say was...LOOK OVER THERE!"

"Huh?" exclaimed the Pieman, spinning around and looking around frantically. Peter quickly whipped out a syringe and injected its contents into the back of the Pieman's arm. The Pieman froze on the spot and a blissful smile spread over his face.

"Problem solved. He'll not remember a thing by the time he's back to normal," said Peter, stashing the syringe back in his bag and starting back towards the portal tree.

"What about Simon?" asked Ria.

"What about him?" asked Peter.

"Well, shouldn't we do something about him? He might remember something about this and screw up the storyline more," said Ria.

"Doubt it," said Peter, looking pointedly at Simon, who seemed to be chasing an object visible only to him around the road, giggling manically. "And even if he did, who'd believe him?"

"Well, just in case," insisted Ria.

"OK. Fine," sighed Peter, picking up a rock and throwing it at Simple Simon. It bounced off the back of his head and Simon grinned momentarily before crumpling to the ground in a heap. "There. Done and done. Nothing like a good old-fashioned head injury to get rid of those troublesome memories!"

"That wasn't very nice," said Ria disapprovingly.

"Well, duh," said Peter sarcastically. "Julianne! Any luck?"

"No," said Julianne, climbing out of the undergrowth. "He must be long gone by now." She suddenly noticed Peter staring at her. "What? Quit it! Why are you staring?"

"You have a twig in your hair," said Peter, reaching out and untangling it. "See?" He held up the twig to show her.

"Oh. Thanks," said Julianne, smiling slightly.

Peter smiled back. Suddenly, the D.D.D.D. in his pocket began beeping.

"What's that?" asked Julianne.

"The D.D.D.D. levels have skyrocketed!" exclaimed Peter, twiddling all of the dials on the console. Suddenly, the sound of a revving engine appeared in the distance.

"The Bookworm!" shrieked Ria excitedly.

"Only if he's on a maroon motorbike," cautioned Peter. "It could just be a harmless L.G.E.P. agent on patrol."

"We'll find out soon enough," said Ria, watching grimly as a dust cloud appeared on the horizon.

Suddenly a motorbike emerged from the cloud and barrelled past them in a swirl of earth and grit. Peter immediately took off after it, running as fast as he could after the fast-disappearing cloud of dust.

"That's him!" yelled Ria, coughing. "It's a maroon motorbike!"

"I don't know, that's really more of a burgundy," said Elizabeth.

"He runs really strangely," said Julianne contemplatively, pointing at Peter. "It's as if he hasn't quite grown into himself yet."

Ria and Elizabeth looked. Peter did indeed run slightly strangely; he was very tall and thin with long arms and legs, so that the effect achieved by his running was akin to that of watching a cranefly having some kind of violent seizure.

"He is slightly ungainly," conceded Ria, who was very ill disposed towards criticising anyone.

"I think he's lost him," said Elizabeth, pointing. Peter had stopped running and turned back, and he was trudging back towards them clutching a piece of crumpled paper.

"What's that?" asked Julianne as soon as he reached them.

"The Bookworm dropped it," said Peter excitedly. "And now I know where he's going next! Look!" He held out the piece of paper, on which seemed to be written a meaningless series of numbers.

"What's that?" asked Julianne.

"It's the Entry Code for 'Pride and Prejudice,' said Peter. "It's what you type into a portal to get into the story!"

"Oh, wow," breathed Ria. It sounded as if her homework assignment, 'write a diary of 'Pride and Prejudice' from the point of view of a major character,' had just gotten a whole lot easier.

"Come on!" called Peter, who had completed dialling the code into the portal and was now waiting impatiently. The girls quickly scooped up their possessions and jumped through it, closely followed by Peter.


End file.
